So I'm listening to this song, kind of on repeat right now, & usually I don't listen to a song on repeat unless it's a new/catchy song. This isn't a new song.. I've actually known this song for quite a while now. I have done a dance routine to this song. & right now at 12:28am, I can't sleep because I can't think about anything else other than to come up w/ something that could make sense to you, as to how I see you differently now. For some reason, listening to this song helped give me thoughts that I can use to explain myself. Part of the chorus/bridge goes:

It's like wishing for rain
As I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most
'Cause you are my Heaven.
Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore, no.

So obviously it's intended to be a love song, disregard that. Remember around the time of my birthday when you sent me an 8-page text explaining why I'm not your type & that you'd never be romantically attracted to me? Well, it wasn't until after that that we became better friends. Ironically, right? Haha. Well, "it's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert" does a good job of explaining the reality of all this. Us ending up as a couple is entirely possible just like everything else, but odds are, it's not going to happen. I'm perfectly fine w/ that. It's not like I'm exactly what anybody would consider "girlfriend material" anyway. Haha.

Sooo we also had a conversation that consisted of me admitting I have a feeling that you're going to be the friend who, no matter how many times we lose touch, I'll still be able to stay connected to whenever we get back in touch. & I guess the part that states "I'm holding you closer than most, 'cause you are my Heaven" can describe that in a sweet & heartfelt way. We have those moments too, for what it's worth..hahaha. & as lame & girly as it sounds, it's true. You're my oldest friend & through the sarcasm & arguments & insults, you've become (as well as remained) one of the closest friends I currently (& will ever) have. You're a nerdy, insecure, picky, rude, high maintenance 18-year-old BOY who may or may not be materialistically spoiled.
On that happy note (haha), you're one of the two most honest, witty, loyal, down-to-earth, genuine people that I have ever known. & you're one of the very few people who support & encourage me to do what I love (i.e.: DANCE) & you suggested multiple ways I can do what I love & collaborate it w/ the rest of my hectic life (i.e.: Chicago). Although I decided not to go, you still respected my decision.
You're one of the very few people who respect me...I think...haha. & I guess I haven't gotten a lot of respect or support in my life. My parents were never around to take care of me. My mother doesn't have the ability to tell me she loves me; which is pathetic considering that even my dad is able to lie & say those words to me. You know? If you knew my family you would..haha. Anyway. I was 10 when my parents started showing their marital problems..meaning Boo was 5. & I learned to cope w/ their fighting & raising hell for each other by the time I was 12; & I vowed that if there was any role I can take in Boo's life (seeing that she had to start witnessing my parents' bullshit at such a young age), I would want to be the person that will always be there to tell her everything is okay.
When you told me that I was a really good sister to her, it meant the world to me. I don't think you knew that...but of all honesty, it did.
I love your flaws. No shit. I never expected you to be perfect (not even back when we were 13 & I was naive), because nobody is. You're fully aware of your imperfections (which is another reason why I like having you around). But I like you just the way you are, & you still manage to exceed any expectation I would have of you. & then I just adore you more & more & you just climb your way up my ladder of good friends. Sure, it's not a long ladder, but it takes a hell of a special person to even be on there at all. You know?
In a weird & corny way, you kind of are my Heaven. You're such a good friend to me. & I'm more than happy to spend time w/ you even if I'm changing your tires in the pouring rain w/ my ass crack hanging out of my jeans (I'M SORRY. THEY'RE BOO'S JEANS!). Nobody ever speaks as if they look up to me in any way & you make me realize that I'm too harsh on myself. I hope none of this sounds self-involved, because my point is, you're completely unaware of the affect you have on me. Another thing I really like about you.

Sooo... The truth is, I'm pretty much Agnostic. I don't know if there is really a God. I don't know if there's a Hell. I don't know if there is a Heaven. Therefore, I don't know if I should absolutely believe that there is a God, a Hell, or a Heaven. This is relevant, I swear.
After we first kissed I started seeing you differently & it scares me. "Heaven doesn't seem far away" ? I see you as my very dear friend, obviously. But whenever we spend days like this most recent Saturday doing whatever & wind down w/ our 5th boring movie & end up kissing a bunch, I was just really happy because it was a really good day. & spending it w/ you made it that much better. I have no idea what's in store for our friendship in the future. If we have sex. If we don't have sex. That's what scares me. Even worse, I don't want you to go away for any reason (& I happened to believe the sex-changes-everything theory on this). Anywho. If I knew for sure whether or not kissing you adds on to my happiness, I guess I'd be able to determine whether it's okay to be scared. So I guess...not knowing is why I'm scared? Wait. No.
Seeing you differently scares me because kissing you may or may not contribute to my happiness & I don't want to depend on you too much to make me that happy because I don't know what's going to happen to our friendship if we were to have sex & I am convinced that it'd be easier for you to just walk away if we did & that's the last thing I want because you're my dear friend & you make me happy. & I want to spend our days trying to make you happy too...because you deserve it, otherwise I'd be one selfish bitch.
Anyway (I know I say that & "anywho" a lot..) Of all honesty, I'm afraid to die because I don't know if there is a Heaven. & if there is, & if I was good enough to make it there, then it's supposed to be as beautiful & perfect & happy as people make it sound, right?
I kissed you, & I was really happy. I'd imagine Heaven to be at least that happy if I make it there. & I guess, being that happy: laying next to you & whistling & laughing & kissing, kind of relates to "Heaven doesn't seem far away".
But even though it doesn't seem far away that doesn't change the fact that I am where I am. Apparently I'm in a desert w/ potential rain & a stairway to Heaven. Hahaha

This probably still didn't answer your question.
I did my best..hell..for 2am, I feel pretty accomplished.
Anyway. If we need to discuss this to further levels we can.
But for now I'm crashing. & I'm sure you've already beat me to it.
Goodnight, darling. Big kiss.




-------END MESSAGE-------

It has progressed a LOT since then. We're not as far as calling each other boyfriend&girlfriend, & right now we're perfectly content w/ that. Because whilst in the past when it was either just feelings or just physical..this is a good amount of both. & it's actually being reciprocated! (What a break through, I know.) & having those titles adds more obligations to the both of us & we don't need that, on top of everything else we've separately got going on. Last week he was gone on a band trip & while he was gone he missed me so much that he wanted to drive to my house to pick me up within 2 hours of when he got home EVEN THOUGH he was incredibly tired from his trip. This last weekend I found out the difference between sex & making love. Well..I've always known the difference but never experienced it. Until now. We wanted to spend much needed alone time so I got us a hotel room & the whole night consisted of Pizza, Cinnastix, Beer, movie, & sleep. & In the morning I realized that I was "really really really happy" to wake up next to him.
& something to know about him is that he's incredibly smart. Math is his first love. & he's also good w/ science as well. W/ that being mentioned, he send me the cutest, most dorky yet wonderful text message ever when he was still away on his trip. "If I'm your heaven, the you're my parallel universe."